TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

It’s amazing how many calls we get for old men that wanna complain about the “tiny little guys” running around their apartments. There must be an infestation of freaky leprechauns in the city. I know it’s gonna turn up in 1 of my short stories soon…

But anyway, that’s not today’s topic. Today’s we’re here to discuss the little dude that makes sandwhiches at one of the delis of 125^th St in Harlem. He called because he was having pain all up and down his left side (came over as a CARDIAC job, because they included the chest in “all over”…smh). So he’s 32 years old, no medical problems, no medications and he’s basically rocking back and forth and going “OOOh it feels so WEIRD! It feels SO Weird!”

what’s weird?

My whole left side of my body!

Does it hurt?

No! I can’t feel it! Or it’s like pins and needles! Aiiiii!

How long it’s been going on?

Since the day before yesterday…

Anything else wrong?

Yeah, when I poop: blood comes out…

Oh boy…how long THAT been going on??

Since about…well, matterafact since the day before yesterday!

What the hell happened the day before yesterday?

I fell down the stairs.

How many stairs you fell down?

Shit…all of ‘em.

…And you’ve been shitting blood ever since?

Yep.

And you can’t feel half your body?

Uh huh. You think Imma be alright?

NO I DON’T THINK YER GONNA BE ALRIGHT! …jeeeeeze…(aside: do you really need me to tell you that?)

So you think I should go to the hospital?

No, I think you should’ve gone to the hospital 2 days ago when you ruptured your internal organs and severed your damn spinal cord but now u HAVE to go to the hospital…

Sigh….okay let’s go…

That is all.